How Parents Gaslight Their Children

Unlike the blatant discipline that most of them are used to, this kind of psychological manipulation makes a child wonder the truth of his own reality, memory, or perceptions.

The Mechanics of Manipulation

Most gaslighting on the part of a parent often begins with the loss of a boundary of a child. In the first phase, the abusive parent might portray himself as unusually caring or concerned, but the intimacy is normally used to investigate the weaknesses of the child. As the child grows, the parent could reject his/her individuality, but treat him/her as a mini-me or a continuation of himself/herself.

A push-and-pull dynamic is one of the most widespread techniques. This includes providing the child with something of significant value, say, a certain toy or privilege, and then taking it away randomly, without any obvious explanation. These actions create the internal atmosphere of a constant state of uncertainty, instilling the image that the child is completely dependent on the whimsical attitude of the parent.

Silencing the Child’s Reality

The parent starts sowing the seeds of imagination, the further the manipulation goes. As the child recalls something or tells the parent how he or she felt, the parent can reply by saying, That never happened, or you are being too sensitive. With time, the child no longer believes his senses.

The other important pillar of this behavior is isolation. A gaslighting parent can carefully isolate the child by avoiding friends, extended family, or even the other parent to continue to keep them submissive. They can say that other people are insane or not concerned about you as I am, and thus make the child a hundred percent reliant on the abuser to have the version of the truth.

The Subtle Language of Control

The effect on the mind is usually caused by unobtrusive and frequent statements rather than by thunderbolts. The typical expressions of sabotaging the confidence of the child include:

• “I know you better than you know yourself.”
• “You’re remembering it wrong; you always have a bad memory.”
• “You aren’t actually sad; you just want attention.”

The parent generates a self-fulfilling prophecy by transferring their suspicions or anger onto the child. When a child is constantly opposed with the words that he is angry and having difficulty, he/she later develops these behaviors due to frustration, which the parent then adapts as evidence that the child is not stable.

Breaking the Cycle

The long-term consequences of growing up in such an atmosphere may be far-reaching, such that one becomes chronically doubtful of themselves, feels anxious, and he/she may have problems forming healthy adult relationships. Children are defenseless because they are inherently dependent on their caretakers, and thus, they do not have an opportunity to get out of the situation.

According to the psychologists, recognition is the initial action in healing. In the case of adult children of gaslighters, it means adult children have to re-parent themselves by learning how to validate themselves without seeking external validation. It is also necessary to establish solid boundaries. One can stay in touch with his or her reality by using neutral expressions like, I hear your opinion, however, I recall it in a different way, without having to go through a circular argument.

Although it is hard to discuss the issue, the only solution is to shed light on these tactics to stop the cycle. Knowing that gaslighting is not a matter of the weakness of the child but rather a matter of control, those who have survived may start a long process of rediscovering the right to hold on to their own narrative and believe in their own minds again.

Also Read: Why Your Wandering Mind Is Actually a Sign of a Sharp Brain